Who is on your team?

I started this post before World Cup madness ensued....I gave it a title and I am not even sure what I meant to write about....I saved it as a draft and walked away.

Here I am and the topic has actually been on my mind since Tuesday.

Full disclosure -- I really don't know anything about sports and won't pretend that I do.

Back story: Forrest and I were planning to see "The Fault In Our Stars" until we remembered that it was the USA/Belgium game at the same time.

Quick change of plans and we met at Eureka at UTC instead of Arclight.  Forrest and I and about 100 of our closest friends stared at the TV for a crazy 90 minutes and then more, watching Tim Howard throw himself in front of shot after shot.

We made friends with Kevin and Dave and marveled at the many cute men on their "lunch breaks".

I'm pretty sure that none of my previous jobs even would have allowed for day drinking and an over 2 hour break, but hey -- it's only every 4 years!

Let's be honest -- way more fun than a sad movie about kids with cancer was ever going to be even though we both loved the book and are dying to see it on screen.

Again, I really can't claim to know anything about sports and I am convinced Argentina is going to win because of the Pope.

But I do know this -- don't we all need a Tim Howard on our team?
Man, talk about bravery, grit, and let's face it....balls.
Save after save after save, a record number of them in fact, I marveled at how he, literally and figuratively, put himself out there.

It made me pause and think -- what if we all showed up for life like that? Fearlessly, bravely?
What if we were that fiercely alive and that much "in the game"?

I am the first to admit this -- I love to be there for people, be on "their team", but I am no Tim Howard.

That is a kind of bravery I know nothing about.

I walked away thinking about how areas of my life where I need to be braver, ways where I can work harder to make an impact on people around me.

We all can't be Tim Howard, but we can show up for the game and put ourselves out there.
And when we lose, we can do it with class and grace.
And when we fall, we can get back up -- again and again and again.

And when we pick a team, we can surround ourselves with others who will show up for us and show up for themselves.

Who will encourage us, push us, and be there for us -- win or lose.

Next time you watch World Cup, or any other sport, ask yourself -- am I showing up for the game? Who is on my team -- or who should be?

Put yourself out there and be brave.  Win or lose, it's better to be in the game than on the bench.

California Girl

I get asked this simple question a lot: "where are you from?"

I am always proud to say "born and raised in San Diego" every time I am asked.

Many times, the asker flashes a knowing grin or shakes his or her head.

Is it that obvious that I am a California girl?

What gives it away -- the fact that I sometimes say 'like" or "dude"? my laid back attitude? 

It can't be the tan (or lack thereof).

Traveling as much as I do, I ask other people this question a lot as well.

I am beginning to think this is a much deeper question than physical location.

Where you are from, in many ways, is who you are. How you were raised. What you value and believe.

I often tell people who are just meeting me "well, my parents were married on top of a mountain in 1970. That pretty much covers who I am."

Without my "hippie" parents and my Southern California upbringing -- I would be a totally different person.

Geography, as well as genetics, is powerful.

I will most likely never live anywhere else than San Diego and I don't have a problem with that. I'm pretty sure no one who ever had the chance to live here loves any place he or she has lived more.

I have been shaped by palm trees, ocean breezes and salt water.

By liberals and hippies and surfers. 

By parents who loved me for me.

By days and days of sunshine. By a wardrobe of shorts and flip flops. 

By endless beach days and gorgeous summer nights.

By the idea that sunsets are made to be watched and life can be lived slowly. 

All of these things make me who I am, a California girl. 

This is not LAX

Living out of a suitcase has its ups and downs. One of the things I can count on as an "up" is being able to hear people say the craziest things. Airports and airplanes and car rental shuttle busses press you closer to other people than is comfortable sometimes so you might as well take advantage of the tight quarters and entertain yourself somehow. 

Today, it was the shuttle bus driver who provided the entertainment.  As usual, people were pushing and shoving their way on to the bus as I stood back.  With two big suitcases that tend to be heavy, I usually stay out of everyone's way and get on last. I figure it's good karma as well as good manners. 

Sure enough, everyone at the Ontario airport rushed in front of me as I stood back. By the time I got to the door of the shuttle, the driver turned to me and said "not sure what the rush is, this is not LAX!"

Indeed, it's not LAX. 

The woman who checked my bags for my Alaska flight told me with a smile "see you upstairs, I'll be boarding the flight too!"

This is a small, almost sleepy little airport. What's the rush?

In life, I think we act like we are always at LAX - rushing through things, panicking that we are not moving fast enough, not getting far enough.

What if we just took a breath and slowed down for once?

This is not LAX.

I wonder how much more we could get out of life if we slowed down more often. If we took our time. If we did not worry about being the first on the shuttle bus.

As I exited the bus, I thanked the shuttle driver and said "thanks for reminding me that this is not LAX. It's a good life lesson."

He said - "yea, it is. If you have time, you could just stay on the shuttle and take another loop with me. It's a great route."

"You're right. Such a pretty view. I'll enjoy it more next time instead of staring at my phone!"

He giggled and then he picked up my bags, put them on the curb and said -- "Where are you headed with all this stuff? Hawaii?"

"Not quite. Seattle."

He smiled and said "have fun and send me a postcard!" 

In the words of Ferris Bueller -- life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. 

Addicted, Part Two

Looking all the way back to my childhood, it pains me to think I was perceived to be (by myself and others) the chubby kid. 

I was most likely completely average and normal (if there is such a thing) and the pictures of me as a kid show that.

The problem is -- I never felt that way.

It's not as if I got taunted and teased. It was just that I was made aware, by other people's comments and my own self consciousness, that I was, compared to many others, bigger than them.

They say comparison is the thief of joy and I was guess I was never as small, as thin, as tiny, as whatever (insert body perfection word here) as anyone else.

In high school and college, I was likely 20 pounds heavier than some of my friends but by no means was I the "fat kid" that I labeled myself to be.

I got used to being called curvy in college and beyond.

I just took it as a nicer way for people to call me fat.

No matter what, I was not seen as having the ideal body and I certainly let other people's opinions of my body shape my own feelings about it.

But was it deeper for me than my size and shape?

When I dieted and got thinner, I got more attention.  Great.

God knows I love attention.

But was there something deeper than just my body image that I needed to "fix"?

No matter what shape or size I have been over the years (and I have been many) perhaps the real issue was my addiction to food. 

This is something I never examined about myself until I started a detox program in September of 2013. 

Feeling every bit of my 41 years, and suffering from it while on the road so much for work, I wanted to do the program for many reasons -- losing weight being the primary goal.

Little did I know that I would come face to face with a completely different challenge -- my relationship with and addiction to food.

When I started the detox program, I began to feel the benefits right away -- better sleep and better skin being two huge bonuses.

I had more energy, I was not tired all the time. 

No more roller coaster feeling coming up and down from caffeine.

Sticking to a fairly tight list of what I could and could not eat felt very confining at first and then very liberating.

I was not "allowed" to be unkind to my body by filling it with unhealthy food and empty calories.

At first, it was the "I'm not allowed to eat that" that kept me on track.

Later, it was "it feels so much better when I don't eat that" that kept me motivated.

The 30 day program got me focused on how to take care of and respect my body.

Wow -- what a life changer.

Before the detox, I ate what I wanted, when I wanted it.

Food was a comfort, a distraction, a way to cope with stress.

Food was entertainment.

Food was an escape from boredom or too much negativity.

I can distinctly remember my toughest (and last) year of teaching.

Whenever I had a bad day, there were three places, just down the block from school, where another teacher and I would head straight to after all the parents had picked up their kids -- Starbucks, Cold Stone or Roberto's.

We numbed out almost every afternoon with our drug of choice -- a frappacino, a huge ice cream cone, and/or a mondo burrito.

With that food in our hand, all of our cares would melt away.

I ate like this for years and brushed it off as normal.

It was not until the detox that I learned just how much food controlled my life -- what and when would I eat next being my first thought after just finishing a meal.

After the detox, I had a "lightbulb moment" when discussing the results with Danielle, who so expertly lead me through the process.

I told her -- for the very first time in my whole life, I can confidently say that I am not addicted to food.

I guess I never really knew I was until I wasn't.

Or maybe I knew I was but I could not admit it.

When I look in the mirror now, I don't see fat or thin or fit or not.

Any strides I have made in having a healthier body and healthier lifestyle from a body image perspective take a backseat to the fact that I ended my addiction to food -- a very powerful and liberating life change.

What really matters is not how people see me (or have ever seen me) but how I take care of myself and honor the one body I will ever be given.

Thanks Danielle for guiding me to this life changing revelation.

I may still be addicted to shopping but not to food...

As long as you are not standing still.....

For a few years, I was a religious Jazzerciser.

5:30am class, Monday through Friday.  Weekend classes too if I was feeling motivated.

I loved it.  It was like going to church.  A place where you could get away, feel good, and refocus.

Cherie and Christy, my instructors, helped me start so many days off right.

It was a healthy ritual that made me very happy.

When my travel schedule picked up for my Nordstrom job, I had to stop going.  I was simply gone too much to make it worth the money.

I had to trade the ritual that I loved for the job that I loved.

Needless to say, my current job keeps me on the road even more than before.

It's pretty hard to drive down the block for a morning exercise class if you are never sleeping in your own bed.

This week, I was home on Sunday morning and I was about to rush off to the gym and then I remembered....wait, there is an 8:30am class.  I'll go to Jazzercise instead.

I drove to class, so excited that I could "plug back in" for an hour and go back to a place I enjoy so much.

As luck would have it, it was "free class week" and I sailed right in and grabbed a spot in the back.

Given that I don't go to class anymore, I did not want to stand in the front if I don't know what I'm doing.

Susan, the owner, is the most amazing woman and I was so glad to see her smiling face when I walked in.

Monica, a woman who I used to see at the 5:30am class all the time, is now an instructor and she was teaching.

Felt like it was meant to be...

The music started and a smile spread across my face.  The warm up song was "Alive" by Krewella, the song that I use as my "entrance song" during my Lincoln Academy trainings.

(long story as to why I have a song....)

As class got going, I got lost in the music and the hour passed by so quickly.

At one point during class, Monica did a piece of the choreography wrong -- but I never would have known that.

She corrected herself and said "well, I guess it does not really matter what we do here as long as we don't stand still."

As long as we don't stand still....

At a place like Jazzercise, the focus is on the fun -- the fitness comes when you just let go and dance.
There really is not a right way or a wrong way to do it as long as you are not standing still.

What a great metaphor for life....as long as you don't stand still, you are doing it right.

There are so many times in life when we stop and don't move or don't act for fear we are not doing it right. 

My guess is -- as long as we are not standing still and doing nothing -- we are doing it right.

I made myself a promise after that class to go back to Jazzercise as much as I can whenever I am in town.

I want to be in a place where I can let go, have fun and dance.
A place where, as long as I am not standing still, I am doing it right.

Thank you El Cajon Jazzercise for being one of those places where it just feels right.
Thanks for teaching me not to stand still.

Readers -- play your entrance song and dance any time you can.  As long as you are not standing still, you are doing it right.

One day at a time.....

One day at a time....

Ever since I turned 40, I have been living my life guided by one simple motto: one day at a time.

Living in the moment and trying to enjoy it has always been something that came easy to me - but even more so after some of my scary infertility experiences. 

Being more present to people and really focusing on the here and now is something I have really been working on the past few years. 

Believe me, I'm the first one to admit that my phone is attached to my hand and it's hard for me to put it down. 

But I'm also the first one who is relieved if the plane (every now and then) does not have wifi (like right now!) so I can unplug for awhile.

Where did my desire to live one day at a time come from? When did I become better at living in the moment and taking things as they come? 

Or is it a skill I have had all along and I just called it something else?

Looking back, I suppose I have been a spontaneous person most of my life. Growing up as the youngest child (those 12 stubborn minutes have got to count for something) I was well known for my fun loving, slightly rebellious, and, at times, attention seeking nature. 

Someone had to be the "baby" of the family and I still wear that title proudly. Maybe too proudly at times.

Using it as an excuse can only get you so far....

I am 100% sure that my parents worried about me growing up way more than they worried about my responsible and brilliant older sisters.

Don't get me wrong - we all worked hard, got good grades, and made my parents proud.  

We all had hobbies we enjoyed and passions we explored.

But I can guarantee that I am the only Goebel Girl whose kindergarten report card (and probably most of them after that) said "does not keep hands to herself" and "talks too much to her neighbors".

What can I say? Social might as well be my middle name.  Being impulsive and talkative and a little ADD (before that was a diagnosis) never got me into too much trouble.

Growing up, I was rewarded for being cute or goofy or funny. I was the comic relief people needed - always ready with a story or a way to distract them from feeling bad. God forbid anyone sit in that negative space for too long -- "people like me" (thanks Dad for that!) can't stand that. 

I never did anything risky or scary or illegal. In fact, I'm probably a goodie two shoes compared to most.

But I did a really good job distracting people around me - and maybe myself - from worrying about what could go wrong and focusing on what could go right or on right now. 

Even as a kid, I wanted to focus on the positive. I did not want to worry about what could be, I wanted to focus on what was. 

I have had this internal debate going on in my head for a while now -- is saying that I am living "one day at a time" just an excuse to "fly by the seat of my pants" or is it actually evolved, present moment, be here now consciousness?

I'd like to think I am a fairly evolved, philosophical, and grounded person but here's a good example...

I showed up at the airport one day and was checking my bags. When the skycap said "two bags to Tucson" and my response was "if you say so". You should have seen the look on his face.  This could be a sign of a zen like approach to life or the sign of total disorganized and chaotic  living.

(Note to self and you, dear reader: probably not the best thing to say at the airport but he blew it off and my bags and I made it to Arizona.)

I'd like to think that the skycap story proves that I live in the moment. What choice do I really have? I live out of a suitcase and some times don't know what city I am in when I wake up.

I have to do it one day at a time or the stress would overwhelm me.

I breathe in, I breathe out, I enjoy the ride, I love the people I meet and the work that I do. 

I say yes to big things (leaving my job at Nordstrom after 8 years) and yes to small things (sure, I'll blog for 30 days) and I do the best I can. 

Most of all, I try to live each day knowing I won't get a chance to live it again. 

But it can only be one day at a time.

I can't relive yesterday or worry about tomorrow. There is honestly not enough space in my room for that.

Zen like? Irresponsible?

Relaxed? Reckless?

I can't really say but I do know that this one day at a time thing has worked for me so far....why stop now?

One day at a time.....

The 3 G's

GRATEFUL, GENUINE, GENEROUS -- what are your three words?

I am writing today for Friday, Saturday and Sunday so it is a three part blog.

What better topic then to use this time to talk about my three words....

As most of you know, I love inspirational quotes (seen my Instagram lately?) and I love to have a new theme for each new year. 

In 2013, it was Love/Luck/Purpose and now it's Fun Fearless 14. 

It got me thinking about choosing another theme or set of words for myself personally -- traits that I want to be known for or words I would aspire to have people use to describe me.

Again, as most of you know,  I am a "go with your gut" and "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of girl and it did not take me long to land on three words: grateful, genuine, and generous.

No surprise that I like "g" words and groups of three having grown up as the youngest of the three Goebel Girls.

Why these three?

I'll start with grateful.  

I know when I choose luck as a word in 2013, there would be people who said there is no such thing. I respectfully beg to differ.  Life really is one big crap shoot. I could have been born the Queen of England or I could have been born into poverty. I'm not really sure how life gets "decided" but I am god damn lucky that I got what I got. So, since luck has been on my side, the next step is being grateful for the life I ended up with.  Gratitude for it all -- the easy times, the tough times, the sadness and the laughter. Grateful that the luck of the draw found favor on me.  If you have had a chance to read some of my previous posts - heck, I'm lucky to be alive and I'm so grateful that I am.  My entire perspective on life changed after our infertility struggles.  I could have become bitter, jaded and pissed off.  And, to be honest, for a while I was. Mad at the world, feeling cheated, feeling like I drew the short straw. Quickly, that became tiring and it drained me of all the joy I had.  I once looked at a picture of myself taken a year or so after my second surgery.  The minute I saw the picture, I said (out loud) - "oh, that's what my smile looks like!" I had not seen it for a while and I was so grateful that it came back. 

I want to be a grateful and gracious person and live my life at every moment, aware of just how lucky I am.

Genuine.

If you ever ask Matt, "what do you think Margaret's best quality is?", I can guarantee he will say this:

She is a genuinely kind person.  Authenticity has always been something that is important to me and it feels good that my husband can see to the heart of me -- I'm a nice person. There, I said it. I'm proud of it. For so long, I used to think that being nice made me a pushover or opened me up to being manipulated. It was definitely not a badge of honor to be called "nice".  However -- deep down inside, authentically, I really can't be anything else.  Like I said in a previous post, being nice, being genuine and kind, has got me this far -- why stop now? It's not a surprise that when I saw a psychic (think backyard party fun, not sketchy roadside neon sign) she told me -- "the  first thing I see about you in how pure your soul is.  You should never lose that side of you."

Even though she could have told me a lot of the same things that she told everyone at that party, that statement stuck with me. I'm far from perfect and I can be a bitch sometimes but I try to live my life from that pure soul, that place of kindness. I want to earn that best quality and be genuine. 

Generous

If I have never bought you coffee, hit me up next time we are together. Generously is the other quality I want to be known for -- not just with my money but with my time. Giving of myself makes me happy.

I love being asked to help people and I enjoy being able to make an impact on other people. I have been given so much and I want to share it -- easily and without expecting anything in return. 

The "without anything in return" is the hardest part but the most rewarding as well. I want to be known as someone who has a generous heart and as someone who gives of herself - time, talent, or treasure.

So -- readers.....I want to know what your three words are....