Addicted, Part Two

Looking all the way back to my childhood, it pains me to think I was perceived to be (by myself and others) the chubby kid. 

I was most likely completely average and normal (if there is such a thing) and the pictures of me as a kid show that.

The problem is -- I never felt that way.

It's not as if I got taunted and teased. It was just that I was made aware, by other people's comments and my own self consciousness, that I was, compared to many others, bigger than them.

They say comparison is the thief of joy and I was guess I was never as small, as thin, as tiny, as whatever (insert body perfection word here) as anyone else.

In high school and college, I was likely 20 pounds heavier than some of my friends but by no means was I the "fat kid" that I labeled myself to be.

I got used to being called curvy in college and beyond.

I just took it as a nicer way for people to call me fat.

No matter what, I was not seen as having the ideal body and I certainly let other people's opinions of my body shape my own feelings about it.

But was it deeper for me than my size and shape?

When I dieted and got thinner, I got more attention.  Great.

God knows I love attention.

But was there something deeper than just my body image that I needed to "fix"?

No matter what shape or size I have been over the years (and I have been many) perhaps the real issue was my addiction to food. 

This is something I never examined about myself until I started a detox program in September of 2013. 

Feeling every bit of my 41 years, and suffering from it while on the road so much for work, I wanted to do the program for many reasons -- losing weight being the primary goal.

Little did I know that I would come face to face with a completely different challenge -- my relationship with and addiction to food.

When I started the detox program, I began to feel the benefits right away -- better sleep and better skin being two huge bonuses.

I had more energy, I was not tired all the time. 

No more roller coaster feeling coming up and down from caffeine.

Sticking to a fairly tight list of what I could and could not eat felt very confining at first and then very liberating.

I was not "allowed" to be unkind to my body by filling it with unhealthy food and empty calories.

At first, it was the "I'm not allowed to eat that" that kept me on track.

Later, it was "it feels so much better when I don't eat that" that kept me motivated.

The 30 day program got me focused on how to take care of and respect my body.

Wow -- what a life changer.

Before the detox, I ate what I wanted, when I wanted it.

Food was a comfort, a distraction, a way to cope with stress.

Food was entertainment.

Food was an escape from boredom or too much negativity.

I can distinctly remember my toughest (and last) year of teaching.

Whenever I had a bad day, there were three places, just down the block from school, where another teacher and I would head straight to after all the parents had picked up their kids -- Starbucks, Cold Stone or Roberto's.

We numbed out almost every afternoon with our drug of choice -- a frappacino, a huge ice cream cone, and/or a mondo burrito.

With that food in our hand, all of our cares would melt away.

I ate like this for years and brushed it off as normal.

It was not until the detox that I learned just how much food controlled my life -- what and when would I eat next being my first thought after just finishing a meal.

After the detox, I had a "lightbulb moment" when discussing the results with Danielle, who so expertly lead me through the process.

I told her -- for the very first time in my whole life, I can confidently say that I am not addicted to food.

I guess I never really knew I was until I wasn't.

Or maybe I knew I was but I could not admit it.

When I look in the mirror now, I don't see fat or thin or fit or not.

Any strides I have made in having a healthier body and healthier lifestyle from a body image perspective take a backseat to the fact that I ended my addiction to food -- a very powerful and liberating life change.

What really matters is not how people see me (or have ever seen me) but how I take care of myself and honor the one body I will ever be given.

Thanks Danielle for guiding me to this life changing revelation.

I may still be addicted to shopping but not to food...