Being Different

When Matt and I started picking up the pieces after my second ectopic pregnancy, it took us quite a while to talk about what the next step in our journey would be.  To be honest, it was a relief not to talk about it. We had spent almost three years being totally consumed with infertility and it was time to start a new chapter.

We had a few options if we did want to have children: adoption, IVF, surrogacy.  Fact is: we did not have the money to do any of those things.  Furthermore, I am not sure we had the mental and emotional stamina either.

Eventually, we started talking about our options again and none of our conversations yielded a decision.  Finally, we agreed to take a few months to just think about it on our own. We promised to come to each other when we had made a decision in our own mind, in our own time.

I still remember the conversation quite clearly....

Matt came home from work one day and I was sitting on the couch.  He said:  "I think our life together is great and even though having kids would be awesome, I think we have each other and that is enough. You make me happy and I like our life. What do you think?"

I breathed a sigh of relief and said "I am happy too and one of the things I am not ready for and don't want to do is get to that sad, rock bottom place again. I am so glad that both of us are in the same place and we can move forward and be happy together."

We hugged and for the first time in a long time, I felt a real smile spread across my face.

That moment is one I will never forget because we turned the page together.

What I did not expect was some of the feelings I struggled with afterwards.

I was ready to embrace a life without children and to make the most of what we did have instead of focusing on what we did not have.

What I was not ready for was feeling so different than all of my friends.  As time went on and we settled into this new chapter of our life,  these differences became more and more apparent.

While our friends had play dates and milestones and Disneyland vacations -- we planned nights out and trips to Las Vegas.  While their holidays revolved around toys and Santa, we spent Christmas morning quietly sipping Starbucks and playing with our cats.

I've never been good at being different.  I am not a follower necessarily but I like to fit in. I crave acceptance and at a certain level, sameness.  I am a twin after all.

Being different felt different.  I was (and still am) one of the only 42 year old women I know that can not claim the title "mother".  Sometimes it's tough to be the odd woman out and it's a feeling that took me a long time to embrace.

Even though the decision Matt and I made was good for us, it still made us different and I did not expect that to feel so strange. It took me a while to feel ok with being different and to see that it could be good. 

Most of all, being different has taught me a very important lesson -- your path is your path and my path is my path.

One of the best things we can do is live our own lives the best way we know how while allowing others to do the same.

So many people have helped me embrace my path, accept that it's different, and help me celebrate that difference.

Thank you all for letting me be different, letting me mother you every now and then (I can't help it) and for letting me share your path with you.

Thanks for following....
xo
Margaret